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XxMiSs_JoJoxX
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Name: JOsephine
Location: Stockton/South City
Birthday: 8/19/1980
Gender: Female
Interests: MUSiC; its my Anti-Drug.
Expertise: W0RDS; its my way of escaping reality .
Occupation: Living Life
Message: message me
AIM:  MiZchi3v0uspnai
Member Since:
5/17/2004
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| What's the meaning of LOVE? How do you know when you see, feel, hear, taste one? What does LOVE consist of? And what's the consequences of falling/being in LOVE? How do you know if it's True LOVE? And what do you do when LOVE fades? Will I ever find LOVE in this world?
Throughout my experience, LOVE is everything. It has no limit; whether it's good or bad. LOVE is a lesson that we all (MUST) learn from. LOVE makes the world a better place, both the good and bad experience we get out of it, it's there to help shape out our Life. I've noticed that LOVE takes time. For both people to grow and appreciate each other. LOVE is sacrifice. LOVE is a commitment. LOVE is trust. LOVE is never ending. There's LOVE towards our family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. Then there's LOVE towards a relationship, a loved one, your boyfriend/girlfriend. Throughout my LOVE relationship, I realized a lot of the things you don't really get from normal LOVE all around. It takes hard work to making the LOVE last and working. That you'd walk through Hell inside and out just to find peace with your spouse, your lover, your other half. There's even times where you find yourself walking endlessly, almost wanting to quit...but if you press on and believe in yourself and the relationship, and you continue to walk that dark path till you find light...that's LOVE. From the very first to the recent relationship I've had I've done nothing but what would be defined as LOVE. I sacrificed, trusted, committed, stayed faithful, and gave them my unconditional-never ending-kinda LOVE.
I look back and I realized that I was the victim. Victim of my own LOVE? I don't know. But I do know that not one of those relationships I cheated, lied, deceived, dishonest, quit on the person whom I loved at that time. It was all hard work people, and only GOD knows what I did for each and every person I was with. I loved them with all my heart. I put my Life on the line for them. I changed my ways, subtracted a few friends, ignored my family, and even neglected the person who I once was. Most of the things that I did for LOVE left me unhappy and alone. As long as they were happy I could care less about myself at that time. I was Hopeless Romantic. Gave more to others than any woman could ever give to herself. The more I worked so hard for the relationship to work and long lasting, the more lonely and dissatisfied I was with my inner self, the person who I was becoming. I have been so consumed by the function of LOVE that I lost myself in it. That's the thing about LOVE. Is that it can take all or pieces of you out instantly, or slowly and painfully. LOVE is unpredictable, LOVE is mysterious. The time and effort you put in it defines the time and worth between you and the person you loved in the future. Crazy isn't it? How no matter how cold-hearted or kind-hearted you can be throughout the relationship, only in the end will determine if all was worth the while. That's where, "things happen for a reason" comes in. And in all my relationships, I believed it happened for a reason. It showed just how much I can completely and totally lose myself in LOVE and later be upside down, broken hearted. But emotionally, how powerful I can be with LOVE and how it affects the rest of my LIFE.
With the recent ex relationship that I had.....it taught me just enough to write a blog about LOVE. And you know, it brings me to say that, I don't think you can completely "move on" from it, from any relationship. That no matter how far you run away from it, erase as much memories you want out, it'll always be there...in the back of your mind. It just takes an instant smell, touch, taste, sight for that slim memory to remember just about everything that happened, everything that you worked so hard to forget, to erase. Honestly, I thought I could completely forget this person, but as days go by, no matter if it was rain or shine...the memories still find itself to float around carelessly in my mind. I really don't know if what happened was meant to happen. Yeah, I know. This one relationship stands out from the rest...this one I can't really tell if there's an end or...to be continued. I can't tell whether GOD had to split us apart because we weren't ready? Or that we were meant to happen but just as things were so heaven like, GOD had to end it...as if we were just a taste of what really is in stored of us in the future...No matter how hard I try to forget him, I know deep in my heart I'll always remember him as the guy who I almost could define the meaning behind the word LOVE. Almost. From my previous blog, you can also add to this thought, that after him...I have not found anyone to replace him..No one has ever approached me. It's like, the world stopped doing the things that it normally did after I've met him, loved him, and separated with him. I don't know how to explain it. I guess it's close to "things hasn't been the same ever since" .
Even when I don't want to, I see him from time to time. His name shows up, the distinctive laugh, the form of his face appear on a stranger, I see him when I'm walking down the street, I hear him through crowded room...it's inevitiable. It's something we don't have control over. The relationship we had was so strong, he's the only one who has the power to do this to me...be everywhere I am. So tell me, could this be a sign? That no matter how wrong of a person he became, and have the rights to hate him for the things he's done...could still be there throughout my present and future days? What is the meaning of this to happen? What's the purpose of it still being there....this is why I continue to question myself...and "Us". That no matter how far I've come to living my Life, how I can easily decide on what to wear to which bed mattress feels better...this is one thing I can't decided on, predict, manipulate, ignore...I have no option but let it shadow me, as long as it wants to....till whatever it is that I need to know about it....will then it disappear?....only time will tell..
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| But lately....it just seems like my Life is still incomplete.....I mean
I am happy of where I am at right now. I have become a TOTAL different
person than who I was last year that's for sure. I see myself more
confident and much stronger than I was before. I've learned to accept
the things that happened, and learned to accept the changes that has
been made in my Life. I am Loving the person that I am now. There is
nothing that I would want to further change myself. I love the calm
Life that I live in. No more Drama! I can say right now that I have it
pretty easy. Last year I was SO stressed out, I had a lot of problems
happening to me all at once I remember I wanted to run away so bad. But
now, I have more time for myself to either just chill in mi casa, or
hang out with a friend at 12midnight just talking stories. Work,
Family, Friends, & Self is doing verrry well. It's just.....well
emotionally I feel lonely.....I guess being Hopeless Romantic, I have
to have the need to be with someone. Share the Life I'm living right
now with the one I Love. But at the same time I must press on. Because
the Independent side of me tells me I'm not ready to be in a
realtionship again. That I must first accomplish everything I planned
to make before I throw it all away again for a relationship.
But......my heart can only beat alone for so long. Doing all this for
myself, I get lonely. I have no one to celebrate my success and my
falls.....I know my friends are there but only through that friendly
level. I need someone who I can call my own. Someone to share my Life
with, my other half, my shadow. Hehe. It's weird, I look at my past
relationships and come to think of it....there was never in a dull
moment where I stayed single no longer than half to a month. Usually
after a breakup I find myself with another person. But this
time....this time I'm left with what seems like centuries, living that
Single life.
Yes, I must admit after the breakup with my last relationship I was
sooo happy being Single again. I do have my fun times meeting new
people and getting to know them, fliriting and enjoying one's company.
But I want someone who stands out and takes me off guard. Mostly with
all my relationships it was always the guy who swept me off my feet. So
it's weird at times where I find myself doing the work, lol. But oh
man, honestly before I found the right kind of friends to hang around
with, I had to deal with Assholes out there who obviously wasn't seeing
things on the same level as I was. I've had some weird guys who just
didn't get me at all, who didn't understand that I'm not some piece of
MEAT that you go and just welcomes themselves for a taste. There's also
these sweet, sensitive guys who was sooo considerate of my feelings I
almost felt like I had a girl friend rather than a male friend. It was
a total turn off and I had to break it to these types of fellas. I want
a Man who knows how to RESPECT a WOMAN, whose nsync with their mind and
heart. But mostly, who knows how to keep the relationship igniting.
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| I just don't understand what's going on. One minute we're head over heels with each other and then the next minute I go and find out he's out there cupcaking or flirting with the "ladies" claiming he's not in Love or with anyone and warming them up for his little one night fantasy? This is bullshit. I hate him. He says one thing and does the other. I can't understand how one pours out all his unconditional Love in a long paragraph and also say it to my face how much He Loves me and doesn't want to fuck things up and Hurt me again. How I'm the only one in his mind and heart and how he's not looking for a relationship somewhere else. Then once I turn my head I go finding dirty conversations, blast from the past with former flings/ gfs, and him selling himself for a one extreme sex adventure. ??? I'm hurt. How someone you loved and convinces you to give him a second chance and then.....end up in the same situation when we first broke up. I don't trust him..... he's so mysterious and secretive. I DON'T FUCKEN KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING AND WHO HE'S TALKING(FLIRTING) WITH WHILE IM ON ANOTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET!?!?! I need a quick fix...I need a friend who can take my mind off all that he's putting me through and become a stronger person.
Do you know how long it took me to get over this guy and how I've never been so heartbroken? What makes him think he can just expect me to have my arms wide open for him to crawl back in the minute he realized his mistakes?...........----------------
Hopeless Romantic........that's how he got me to convince he can make it right this time around.....I'm so Hopeless Romantic I actually let him back in my Life.....to use me up and hurt me again I don't know....I guess I just want to be noticed and cared for again. I guess I miss the attention one guy gives to the person "He Loves".
I guess I will just have to see where this will go...the second time around. Will we actually work this out and be completely in Love, inseperable? Or just be another waste of time and commitment? I don't even know how we'll work this "Long Distance" of ours. We're already having arguments as "Friends" I can only imagine how it'll be like if we were a "couple". Maybe it was ment for us to Break Up for good...so that we can move on and carry the lessons we both learned from the relationship to our true Soul Mates?........
God, may you please give me a sign. What have I done wrong to deserve such thing? Please give me a sign if we're meant for each other or we're just up for a Disaster pt.2. | | |
| I just want to be Happy...
Happy of the things I do...
The things that are happening to my life...
To me...
Happy to just get back on track and enjoy life...
To not always take it hard on myself when things don't go my way...
To be Happy of myself and not expect anything else but that...
I just want to be LOVED...be HAPPY with what I do...and have the determination to just DO IT...without hesitation and without questions asked...
To get back to school. Don't worry about the money put and taken out of it...get my FCUKEN Drivers License...and be HAPPY.....
.....when will my time come.... | | |
| Wow...
Its funny how wishes come true. I don't know whether to celebrate or sit back for this. I'm confused yet I'm not. I want to listen to my heart and just start running to his arms. But at the same time I want him to come crawling to me and work hard for me to do so. Mind over heart. That's what I keep telling myself and so far its keeping my heart from acting a fool again.
Lord I ask of you, please tell me what to do. Should I follow my mind or listen to my heart? Please answer my prayer....because two sides is tearing me apart.
Thank you.... | | |
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